Can Things Slow Down Please?

Life is a whirlwind, this we know, but I'm fed up with fast pace and constant change and I need a pause button. There has been far too much happening lately and I think it's finally building up on my shoulders and I'm being crushed. I'm starting to lose my new attitude of not caring about anyone but the people who are important to me and I'm slipping into being resentful about things that are happening / have happened.

Am I the only person who gets so disgusted with myself that I wish I could reach into the mirror sometimes and shake myself and just yell and scream and slap sense into myself to suck it up and move on? I know, quite the visual. Ha.

Between my father in law losing his battle with a short but strong fight against cancer (such a nasty disease) and money trouble and house hunting and busy work schedules and trying my best to raise an amazing little girl and my health battle, my internal thoughts battle and attempting to work on the important things...

I'm losing myself.

I'm sick. And I'm really getting tired of everyone thinking I'm crazy. I get the eye roll or the "it could be worse" lines or the "well at least you don't look sick." Ugh! I want to scream and punch you people in the face and then just be by myself. I'm in pain, I'm tired, I can't control anything anymore. Some days my hands are so shaky that I'm afraid of what I will drop or break today. I'm dealing with this alone. I've decided, I don't want anyone's help and I don't want to talk about it with anyone anymore. The one place I need support is missing it, and I've already had so many unspoken battles that I can't bring myself to tell people about. Maybe this is part of my resentment, is suppressing all of it.

I have my days, where I wonder what it would be like if different choices would have been made or if I slammed my foot down and stopped trying to make everyone else happy and just did what I needed. But, I'm a sucker and I tell my inner self that being selfish is rude and not something we do.

I'm becoming resentful. I'm resenting certain people for things that have happened in my life and brought me to where I am. Granted, "everything happens for a reason" is a great motto, but there are some things I wish I could've avoided. There are things that are NOT controllable and do make us STRONGER people and then there are things that are brought on by decisions other people make that affect our lives and we're just too chicken shit to stand up and say (pardon me here but,) "FUCK YOU....NO. I will NOT be partaking, allowing, or sitting around to deal with this."

I'm shutting down mentally, I'm tired of pretending to be so happy and acting like my life is so awesomely perfect. I'm turning into such a bitch. And for the first time ever, I don't want to hide it anymore. Maybe I need some time to be alone alot, spend my time with Reese and just put myself out there. Or, maybe the point of living life IS pretending, because who wants to be involved with such a miserable person? I don't know....

I can be the type of person who speaks my mind, or I'm a ridiculous push over who just nodds my head and lets things happen. What the hell is wrong with me? I ended up in this situation, feeling this way because I didn't speak up.

So, who's fault is it for my resentment? Yours? or mine?

I'm Slacking!

Wow, I know. I should get "Worst Blogger Award". Life has been crazy and I have been neglecting my blog. Where do I begin?

Bug is growing so much everyday! She's 20 months now and talking up a storm! Sh'es so smart and she continues to make me smile each and every day!

Work has been going okay, just getting past slow season and gearing up for the holidays. I'm excited to start being busy to the max! I love that I get to be home with Reese more. I'm only working 2 to 3 days a week.

Health wise, I'm still frustrated. Being told different things by different doctors and what's linked with Lupus and what's not. I'm feeling so old lately and I hate it. I'm more exhausted everyday and my moods are being effected by how frustrated I am with how I'm feeling. I try REALLY hard to hide it and act like I'm fine, but it's getting harder and harder as time goes on.

As all my doctors tell me "stress will make you feel worse", I am well aware. But, please, tell me HOW I am to eliminate my stress? Seriously. I feel like I just need a break. A BIG BREAK. I honestly think Reese is the only good thing that has been handed to me in the past few years (and although I'm eternally grateful I have her) I'm ready for a break from the craziness in my life. I'm tired of having one thing go wrong after the other, there's always a million things going on at once and I'm sick of it! I want to be one of those people who doesn't give a shit how to fix other people's problems. I want to be selfish and only care about what IIIII want.

Okay, I'm done whining.

I promise I will catch you up on what we've been up to lately. Just had to get that rant out of the way.

And I'll post all the latest pictures from our adventures!

Until next time...