History Does Tend to Repeat Itself...

So, if we know that history repeats itself than why do we not prepare ourselves for things we know will continue to happen...

I swear to God, if it's not one thing stressing me the eff out, it's another. And maybe it's my fault, because I put up with so much like an idiot. I'm so close to the edge and I am about to combust.

I hate relying on people, I hate not being able to just take care of things on my own and I'm to the point where I KNOW I am an independent person, where the hell did I go?? When did I turn into this girl who relies on other people like some weakling. Having other people make decisions that I'm not 100% on board with, or not saying anything when I don't want something or don't agree with something. So, what's the answer? Am I a good person because I do what's expected from me? and I don't ask questions and I am doing what I said I would, even if I'm miserable? Or am I stupid because I put up with shit I shouldn't have to?

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

Apparently I'm insane.

...I think I'm ready for sanity now....

Can Things Slow Down Please?

Life is a whirlwind, this we know, but I'm fed up with fast pace and constant change and I need a pause button. There has been far too much happening lately and I think it's finally building up on my shoulders and I'm being crushed. I'm starting to lose my new attitude of not caring about anyone but the people who are important to me and I'm slipping into being resentful about things that are happening / have happened.

Am I the only person who gets so disgusted with myself that I wish I could reach into the mirror sometimes and shake myself and just yell and scream and slap sense into myself to suck it up and move on? I know, quite the visual. Ha.

Between my father in law losing his battle with a short but strong fight against cancer (such a nasty disease) and money trouble and house hunting and busy work schedules and trying my best to raise an amazing little girl and my health battle, my internal thoughts battle and attempting to work on the important things...

I'm losing myself.

I'm sick. And I'm really getting tired of everyone thinking I'm crazy. I get the eye roll or the "it could be worse" lines or the "well at least you don't look sick." Ugh! I want to scream and punch you people in the face and then just be by myself. I'm in pain, I'm tired, I can't control anything anymore. Some days my hands are so shaky that I'm afraid of what I will drop or break today. I'm dealing with this alone. I've decided, I don't want anyone's help and I don't want to talk about it with anyone anymore. The one place I need support is missing it, and I've already had so many unspoken battles that I can't bring myself to tell people about. Maybe this is part of my resentment, is suppressing all of it.

I have my days, where I wonder what it would be like if different choices would have been made or if I slammed my foot down and stopped trying to make everyone else happy and just did what I needed. But, I'm a sucker and I tell my inner self that being selfish is rude and not something we do.

I'm becoming resentful. I'm resenting certain people for things that have happened in my life and brought me to where I am. Granted, "everything happens for a reason" is a great motto, but there are some things I wish I could've avoided. There are things that are NOT controllable and do make us STRONGER people and then there are things that are brought on by decisions other people make that affect our lives and we're just too chicken shit to stand up and say (pardon me here but,) "FUCK YOU....NO. I will NOT be partaking, allowing, or sitting around to deal with this."

I'm shutting down mentally, I'm tired of pretending to be so happy and acting like my life is so awesomely perfect. I'm turning into such a bitch. And for the first time ever, I don't want to hide it anymore. Maybe I need some time to be alone alot, spend my time with Reese and just put myself out there. Or, maybe the point of living life IS pretending, because who wants to be involved with such a miserable person? I don't know....

I can be the type of person who speaks my mind, or I'm a ridiculous push over who just nodds my head and lets things happen. What the hell is wrong with me? I ended up in this situation, feeling this way because I didn't speak up.

So, who's fault is it for my resentment? Yours? or mine?

I'm Slacking!

Wow, I know. I should get "Worst Blogger Award". Life has been crazy and I have been neglecting my blog. Where do I begin?

Bug is growing so much everyday! She's 20 months now and talking up a storm! Sh'es so smart and she continues to make me smile each and every day!

Work has been going okay, just getting past slow season and gearing up for the holidays. I'm excited to start being busy to the max! I love that I get to be home with Reese more. I'm only working 2 to 3 days a week.

Health wise, I'm still frustrated. Being told different things by different doctors and what's linked with Lupus and what's not. I'm feeling so old lately and I hate it. I'm more exhausted everyday and my moods are being effected by how frustrated I am with how I'm feeling. I try REALLY hard to hide it and act like I'm fine, but it's getting harder and harder as time goes on.

As all my doctors tell me "stress will make you feel worse", I am well aware. But, please, tell me HOW I am to eliminate my stress? Seriously. I feel like I just need a break. A BIG BREAK. I honestly think Reese is the only good thing that has been handed to me in the past few years (and although I'm eternally grateful I have her) I'm ready for a break from the craziness in my life. I'm tired of having one thing go wrong after the other, there's always a million things going on at once and I'm sick of it! I want to be one of those people who doesn't give a shit how to fix other people's problems. I want to be selfish and only care about what IIIII want.

Okay, I'm done whining.

I promise I will catch you up on what we've been up to lately. Just had to get that rant out of the way.

And I'll post all the latest pictures from our adventures!

Until next time...

The Setting In

So, the fact that my diagnosis is here has set in...I've been the one who's been fine with all of this. I've been making the "Lupus" jokes and laughing it all off for everyone else in my life who's being affected by this new part of me.

Fact: I have a disease. An irrversible disease. A disease with no cure.
Everyone keeps telling me "well at least you know what's wrong now. That's good." Ya. Its awesome. I'm fucking thrilled...

I will never be the same. I'll no longer be the same, old Danielle. No more beach days, soaking up the sun and "comparing" tans with my girlfriends in competition. No more days of running around outside with Reese. I won't be able to be the mom I've tried so hard to be...I can't take away this feeling. The fact that sometimes I won't be able to stay up late with my husband and watch movies, because I'm literally beyond exhaustion. Not to mention all these drugs have completely robbed my libido. The fact that I can't be the "reliable" one anymore. Some days I just can't get out of bed...

So ya...I'm so glad I've been labelled with Lupus...its such a relief.

I love that some days I'm so weak that I can't even stand to wash my dishes. Some days I'm in so much pain I can't even bend over my washing machine to do laundry. Or the fact that I suffer through the day at work because I have to. I have no appetite, I have no energy...

The fact that I feel robbed because I may not be able to give Reese a brother or sister because my body will kill it...kills a part of me...

That's how I'd some this feeling up...I've been robbed...

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The New Me

Lupus...

It is the new me...the new me I am being forced to live with.

Yes, there are millions of people diagnosed...but this new found "identity" if you will, has me discouraged, frustrated and so very much alone...

That's all for now...not having a "good" day. Bed early for me.

Til next time.

In Need of a Pick Me Up

It's been a rough few weeks, from mental anxiety, everyday anxiety and now becoming sick with something we are soon going to figure out what it is.

On a side note, i've finally uploaded some new photos. I know, i'm not on the ball! But! Here's some of Reese! Haha

With this new job, I love the hours (more time with my Reese bug) but i hate the cut in pay. Although i'm more than thankful to have a job, I'm just stressed financially again.

I've started to feel a bit less stressed about some major things going on (family, friends, and other things) but when some things go away, others arise.

Last week, I came down with a cold and along with this cold I was left with PAIN in my BONES. My cold has passed, but I'm still struggling through the day. I try to push myself and act like it's fine and I'm recovering (may be stupid but its what I do) and it just makes it so much worse... I have trouble going up and down the stairs, trouble carrying Reese and just feeling more than weak throughout the day. I'm calling the doctor tomorrow to see what the heck is going on...blah!

In happier news! The bug is walking! Running more like it now! Ah! What a proud mommy I am. A year goes by sooo fast! Its crazy how big my baby has gotten...kind of makes me sad! Seems like yesterday I was in hour 32 of labor and not seeing the end! OR my gorgeous daughter! Haha

Until next time! I hope everyone is enjoying this fresh, springtime air!

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Being Non-Emotional?

So with everything going on in our lives lately, I feel like I haven't had time to react to everything. I've become to realize I'm kind of on auto pilot and the weird thing is, I dont care. I feel like things happen to make us realize things and I think I'm just realizing a lot of things have made me grow up lately, which has made me realize that me and my group of friends are all growing up...funny how little events will show you how you're not 18 anymore. Ha.

I've never really been a selfish person and I've always done things the way I thought was right...but lately I've realized how obliviously selfish people are in my life (and not necessarily in a bad way) so I've decided to taste a bit of it myself...

I guess when it comes down to it, when things happen in our lives, we react. With everything going on...I haven't sat down and reacted or had a good cry to let all of my emotions go. And honestly...i don't plan to anytime soon...whether it's a bad thing or not...who knows.

Until next time...

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